|This butt plug is huge.
4.5 in diameter is gigantic.
Perfect for all of your enormous butt plug needs?|
ShopInPrivate.com is the world's most private store. We don't just say that, this place is incredibly private. We hope you enjoy shopping here.
Hi there private shopper. I'm Tom a copywriter here at ShopInPrivate.com. Today I have to write about some really strange items, items that I'm not completely proud to sell, so I'm going to do what any person who has to earn a living does. I'm going to drink on the job. But I'm not a closet drunk, I've enlisted the help of my copywriting coworker and she is drinking too. We bought a bottle of wine at lunch, unscrewed the cap, poured it into some coffee mugs and here we go.
This is a giant fucking butt plug. It is huge. I mean, really freaking huge. I've seen a few butt plugs in my day, because I work at this place, which isn't really called "Butt Plugs Are Us", but if you looked at a few orders going out the door, you might guess it was. Anyway, this is a giant one. There is no butt plug that is grander. I'm gonna pause now, drink some wine and post what I've got so far on Facebook.
I'm not even drunk yet. I'm just elated in the fact that I am drinking on the job. It feels great to drink at work, a feeling I haven't felt since High School. You know the feeling, it's the one that left when we turned 21. That feeling of rebellion has returned and all it took was a giant butt plug.
I guess this butt plug is 4.5 inches in diameter, but honestly it could be 100 inches because there is no way this thing will fit in a butt. I took the pictures of it the other day and I put a coke can in the photo to show you exactly what you are dealing with. That isn't some kind of doll house coke can either, it's a full-monty 12 ouncer. So, it's big.
Oh shit, I just looked up from my coffee cup full of wine and bothered to read the label. This bad boy is made in the USA. I can hear them chanting now. You-Ess-AY, You-Ess-Ay. Say it with me! America is the world leaders in giant butt plugs. I'm so proud.
Let's read some more of the label. It says this giant butt plug is called the Ass Master. I guess that's a good name. Let's pause for a minute and see if my rebellious, drinking self can come up with a better name than that... Ass Blaster? Rectal Wrecker? Rump Thumper? Booty Rooter. I'm on a fucking roll! I'm going to keep writing. My coworker says I'm killing it.
Another look at the label. This product is made from a Sil-A-Gel formula that is anti-bacterial, Non-Toxic, Latex-Free and Calcium Free. Unfortunately it isn't Emergency Room visit free. Did I mention that his thing is huge?
So, I fancy myself an accomplished copy writer and in this day and age, that means that I turn the package around and read the back as well as the front. Here is what I learned from the back of the package. This product claims to be "Perfect for anal play." Which isn't actually a complete sentence, so the period isn't needed. But they also go on the say this phrase in multiple languages. Here is how you say "Perfect for anal play." in other languages:
French: Parfait pour jouer anal.
German: Ideal fur anal spielen.
Spanish: Perfecto para jugar anal. TPR.
Dutch: Ideaal voor anale spelen
There you go, a free language lesson from your favorite butt plug retailer, ShopInPrivate.com. I'm supposed to also say something about how private it is to shop here. Not only do we use a plain box to ship the item but we don't have any mailing lists. None. Do you hear me? We don't email you. Yup. Every other jackass in the online retail business is out there emailing their customers like there is nothing wrong with it, but that behavior is dead-wrong so we don't do it. People don't need to be reminded that they just bought a giant butt plug or that they might want to buy some lube, so we leave you alone.