How to Act Like Christian Grey

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How to Act Like Christian Grey

Wondering why your wife likes Christian Grey so much? Here is a list of his most charming mannerisms. Employ one or more today!

  • How to act like Christian Grey
  • How to make real life like Fifty Shades of Grey
  • How to Behave Just Like Christian Grey, Exactly Like Your Wife Wants
    Wondering what the Fifty Shades of Grey fuss is all about? It's all about sex, money and power. Christian Grey is a bazillionaire stalker who you can emulate (minus that pesky money part). Use these tips to woo and seduce your lady like never before.

  • Practice your stalking skills.

    For those of us in longterm relationships, stalking can be difficult. I mean, when was the last time you intently listened to something your wife said? Christian, on the other hand, memorizes Anastasia's bank account number. He knows her dress and shoe sizes. He shows up unannounced all the time. He shows up when she's on vacation across the country; he shows up at her apartment after she jots off a sad email. You, on the other hand, don't even know your wife's favorite color.

    To polish up your stalking skills, we suggest following your wife around the house really closely. Maybe just a half-step behind her. When she asks what you're doing, just murmur, "Laters, baby." This is a common Christian Grey-ism. She'll get it, and her panties will immediately drop to the floor. Then whisper her social security number as you pin her against the refrigerator. She won't know what hit her.

    You could also visit her at work; peek your head in the bathroom while she's on the pot; or just show up when she's having a girls' night out. All of these are things Christian Grey would do. And it's hot when he does them, so I'm sure it will work out just swell for you.

  • Every time your wife walks in the room, hold your hand up to shush her, and pretend to have a business conversation on the phone.

    As we all know, this commands great respect. I don't care if you're a bartender or a lawyer. Make sure to pepper words like Darfur, streamlining, futures and synergy into your business call. When you finally get off the phone, narrow your eyes and look out the window dramatically. Try smoldering. Just try it. If your wife actually talks to you after this, do not listen to what she has to say. Just throw her against the wall and kiss her. She will not squirm away from you or protest that she has not yet brushed her teeth. This is how women want to be treated.

  • Get a butler.

    I mean, come on, who doesn't want a butler? Christian employs a man named Tyler to do a lot of his dirty work. I'm guessing Tyler is the real reason that Christian is such a great stalker: there's only so much stalking one man can do. Tyler picks Ana up from her home; he goes to the store and buys her $3,000 evening gowns. He peeps his head around the corner every time Anastasia exits the Red Room of Pain (Christianís specialized torture room. You have one of those, right?). If you can't afford a butler ... then why are you reading this? The key to acting like Christian Grey is being wealthy enough to get away with being a total dick.

  • Tell her constantly how bewitched and beguiled you are with her.

    Okay, this one isn't so bad. We can agree this one isn't so bad, right? Maybe just tone it down on the thesaurus a little bit.

  • Make an effort to control your wife's nutrition and workout program.

    Christian implores Anastasia to see a personal trainer four times a week, to stay fit enough for rough sex. This is great reasoning that I'm sure you'll agree is scientifically solid. Also, you know what I've noticed that women really like? When you tell them they need to change the way they look, to the tune of burning more calories. This is good for her self-esteem, and won't get you punched in the face/divorced by the end of the year.

  • When your wife is angry, tell her she needs to be punished and take her over your knee.

    Women are famous for how they hate being taken seriously when they're angry. A great way to dissipate your wife's anger is to get angry yourself, and threaten her with a spanking. This is just Relationships 101 stuff.

  • Drag her along to experience your favorite hobbies.

    Christian takes Ana on a romantic helicopter ride over Seattle. In fact, he pilots the helicopter. And, oh yeah, he owns it. He has his own helipad, on his building. He also takes her gliding. He pilots that as well.

    What are your favorite hobbies? Golfing? Watching Game of Thrones? Participating in Fantasy Football? Okay, maybe donít drag her along when youíre indulging in your lame-ass hobbies. Cheapskate.

  • When youíre having sex, always have sex twice in a row, in rapid succession.

    Yup. Thatís right. I donít care how old you are. Fictional Grey is 27, and he bangs like a bunny. He has an orgasm (only after Ana has five), and then is ready to go for another round ten minutes later. Before you attempt to give your wife at least seven orgasms per double-sex session (some by only touching her nipples, or whipping her clitoris, of course), make sure you pop a potent cocktail of Viagra, Cialis, and Horny Goat Weed. Wouldnít hurt to spray your dick down with Novocain and read a Tantric sex manual first as well. Cover all the bases!

  • Wear all grey, all the time.

    Obviously. Extra points for Calvin Klein everything. In fact, brands are the be-all, end-all in this book. You might want to start saving your pennies for all the Louboutins and iPads you'll be buying.

  • Throw your wife her very own period bath.

    Is your wife riding the crimson tide? Don't worry, you can still bang. Pull her tampon out, a la Christian Grey, and bend her over the bathroom counter. Then, after she has three orgasms, recuperate in a sumptuous, lavender-scented bath for ten minutes. Repeat.

    As you can see, it's easy to be Christian Grey, heartthrob to forty-something moms everywhere. Once you make $100,000 an hour (yes, he says in the book that he makes $100,000 an hour), everything else in life just kind of falls into place.

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