Sometimes people ask me if there's anything I fight besides crime and the forces that would seek to undermine your privacy. To which I answer, yes, of course. I also fight for my right to party, fight fire with fire, and most importantly, fight against the evils and odors of smelly flatulence. I'm not ashamed to admit that there was a time before I met Mrs. Private when my diet's food pyramid was made of bricks of ramen and chili cheese fries. Superheroes are a lot like college students in that way. And a poor diet is one of the main causes of expelling nefarious odors from your posterior, a condition commonly referred to as "bad gas." And I never would have met Mrs. Private - or rather, she never would have stayed around me for more than five minutes - if not for a fart filter attached to the inside of my spandex. Take it from a hero who knows, these things work wonders. But which filter should you buy?
|Ask Mister Private: Fart Filters Compared|
In my days, I've seen two filters that stand above the rest: the Subtle Butt and the Flat-D. Though they are made of different materials, both work in the same way, by attaching them to the inside of your underwear. Both work equally well, in my opinion, and both are similarly priced. So what's the difference? Well, the Subtle Butt is a pack of 5 disposable filters, while the Flat-D is one reusable filter. Also, the Subtle Butt is a little smaller. So the choice is yours, citizen, based on which of those you like better. Personally, I like getting the most bang (or bang diffusion) for my buck, so I like the bigger, reusable option. But there are some people that that kind of thing would gross out. Luckily, at Shop In Private, you have the freedom to choose!
Flat-D also makes a chair pad, but that just seems impractical to me. You would have to go sit on that one specific chair every time you had to fart. And that would be super inconvenient, unless your job involves sitting in the same meeting room all day long because you're a middle management type, or involves flying around in a hoverchair, which probably means you're a supervillain. In which case you deserve to suffer the wrath of your own noxious farts. But no one else should have to, and that's why we are proud to offer these fart filtering products to all our non-supervillain customers.