Have you read Fifty Shades of Grey? I'm going to guess you haven't, based on your penis.
|Preparing for the Fifty Shades of Grey Movie Date Night: A Guide for Men|
Here's a quick lowdown on the plot. It's about an obsessive, control-freak millionaire with abandonment issues, who likes to hit women when he isn't drafting redundancy packages or piloting Charlie Tango, his private helicopter. In the book, Christian takes an unhealthy interest in Anastasia: a mousy, dowdy virgin who has the self-esteem of an obese twelve year old with intense BO and acne. Truth is, she's actually pretty, but like any modern human woman, she is filled with self-loathing.
Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey share an insane, hormonal attraction that makes him act like a stalker (showing up in another state when Anastasia is on vacation, say, or buying the company she works for), and makes her act like a jealous, obsessive fangirl. The book is from Ana's perspective, and I assure you, she never does anything but worry about how she looks, if she said something stupid, if she belongs with Christian, who he used to date, and what their future will hold. It's just a joy to read. A goddamn joy.
As you may have heard, the only time this book is halfway tolerable is during its famous sex scenes. And even then, tolerable is a stretch. This is because Anastasia's reaction to all clitoral stimulation is: HOLY COW! That's right, just like Bart Simpson. Nothing keeps a reader fully entrenched in erotic spectacle like a little reminder of everyone's favorite prepubescent cartoon character, am I right?
In preparation for the most anticipated sex blockbuster since Showgirls, ShopInPrivate.com presents a guide to what just may be your weirdest date night ever. Going to see Fifty Shades of Grey with your girlfriend is going to confuse you in two crucial places: in your brain, and in the pants. You'll wonder: Just what is she trying to tell you? Does she want you to order her around? Because that's always worked so well in the past. Does she want you to spank her? As if she won't admonish you for doing it too hard. Going to see this movie is going to be a mindfuck, and we're here to help you sort it out.
- When your wife or girlfriend asks you to go to see Fifty Shades of Grey on Valentine's Day, just say yes.
I mean, who doesn't like a good movie theater boner? And you're probably going to get laid afterwards. If you don't get laid after seeing Fifty Shades of Grey with your woman, something is very, very wrong.
Make plans to send the kids to grandma's for the evening, or put up some soundproofing, because shit's about to get freaky. Or you're about to get in a huge argument and go to bed on the couch. The choice, my friend, is up to you.
- Ask your lover if she has any special plans for after the movie.
For such a delicate scenario, I'm going to recommend you don't go in blind. You could do your best to skirt the issue at hand until the big night, but when spanking and restraints might be involved, silence might lead disaster. If she doesn't mention that she'd like to try some kinky sex stuff, I would ask. I would phrase it like this: "After the movie, would you like to try any kinky sex stuff?" She will either scoff and hit you with a pillow, or smile and grow quiet. She might also whip out the arsenal of sex toys ShopInPrivate.com suggested she buy for the big night.
Listen and let her tell you what she would like to try. She might mention a contract (Christian and Ana have specific sex acts outlined in their BDSM contract) or hard limits (sex acts she absolutely does not want to try). She might want you to take control, but she probably has a very specific idea of what you in control looks like. And no, it probably doesn't match yours.
- It is quite possible she wants to try a new sex act, but will give you zero direction.
This is such a girl thing to do. I'm a girl, so I can say that. If she wants you to be dominant, she might want you to just inherently know how to please her. Let her know you'd like to try being in control, but you want to discuss her boundaries and hard limits first. Have an honest conversation about what you are both curious about, and go from there. If she refuses to tell you, here are a couple things to try, from the book.
- Offer her sincere compliments. Do you love her ass? Her breasts? The way she murmurs to herself or smiles? Her eyes? Tell her. Step up your game in the days leading up to the film. Try texting. Be sincere, and be direct. She will appreciate this foreplay, and it will make her feel cherished. Christian is constantly telling Ana how beautiful she is, and how much she means to him. This is part of the reason women love the character.
- Surprise her by kissing her passionately. Press her up against a wall, sensually but forcefully. There is some finesse to this. You want to make her feel like she is irresistible. Like you can't keep your hands off her, but not in that annoying, "my husband is such a pest" way. Touch her with confidence, and with passion. Brush your damn teeth before you do it. And get out of those sweatpants.
- Buy one of the sex toys from the book. You can surprise her with ben-wa balls, a riding crop, or a vibrator. If you don't have any sex toys at home, start small. The ben-wa balls are always a good choice, as they are from the infamous scene in the book where Christian inserts them in Anastasia, and then spanks her gently. You can either leave a cute note with them ("Wanna give these a shot?") or go more bold, like Christian would ("Dinner is at 6:30. I expect you will be wearing these"). Use your best judgment, or ask what she might enjoy.
- Tie her up and give her a spanking. If you've got a whole lot of nerve, go for it. Your lover might just like the fantasy aspect of Fifty Shades of Grey, but she might really want to give some light bondage a go. Once a guy tied me up to his couch, and went in the other room to make soup as I languished. Only when he was done cooking did he come back and being foreplay. This element of anticipation is key. Blindfold her if she allows it, use some light bondage gear, and pleasure her. If you'd like to try spanking, go slow and gentle at first. It's all about watching her reactions and making sure you're not going over her limits. Set a safe word first, and make sure to stop if she gets angry or upset.
Take it upon yourself to make a reservation for dinner or drinks before the movie ... or book a hotel for after the movie.
Make a night of it. She'll appreciate the thought you put into making her happy. That's a lot of what Christian does. He does the thinking so that Ana doesn't have to. Pick your wife's favorite restaurant, or a place that serves oysters and wine (Christian's favorite aphrodisiacs).
- Enjoy the movie, and let the night unfold naturally.
Be happy that your girlfriend or wife has allowed you into this inner realm. She might be embarrassed, so try not to make too much fun of the film, unless she does. When it comes down to it, this movie might suck balls, but it's basically a guarantee of sex to come. And hey, maybe you'll discover a kink you never knew you had.